Shere iam again

Same person, different time, different situation, same feelings. Off meds for a while, back on for the last 9 months, gained hella weight like i told my dr i would.
I still don't like things, still am unhappy.
Or maybe i am happy and just don't know how to deal with it.

I dislike most people

Maybe it is me, because i don't have both male and female children- but, it drives me bananas when people are "oh "boys will be boys" no your kid is just mean and you clearly have not showed or taught your child sympathy and he has no sense of empathy. And then the whole "oh don't be rouhg, she just a girl" bullshit. no then your kid has no idea what it is like to be a person that can do shit outside of what you think is normal. Well that last one actually applies to both accounts. Kids will be kids they are learning how to deal with social situations. Stop excusing your kids shitty behavior on their gender. My kids do shitty shit all the time. not because they are boys but because idk, maybe i didn't explain it well enough or this is a new experience for them or maybe they didn't get the memo. Who knows but don't excuse crappy behavior on gender.
I get told all the time to stop "acting like a man" when i have no sympathy for someone who screws up at a job or in a social/friendship situation because of "emotional" things/issues. Yes, i am crass yes i am very "you made your bed" type of person but why is that the reason they say "acting like a man". i have no time for nonsense, but plenty time for situations, even emotional ones, that have basis and reason. I am sympathetic and empathetic, to a lot. I just can't handle drawn out bologana stories/explanations when the same thing could be conveyed in 1 minute and instead of me getting irritated by your speech about it all, you could have given me the facts and i could have communicated without being irritated.  Short and to the point. Please and a thank you will be thrown in for good measure.

Again, feel like a lost puppy. I don't celebrate "holidays" we have never done traditional thanksgiving nor traditional christmas.  I never remember believing in Santa, all my years as a young child were spent this time of year catering to others. Not a bad thing, just skewed my belief in Santa, and the whole christmas is  a magical time, deal.
I have told my children there is no santa, this holiday is a joke, yet every year i feel compelled to get them gifts.  As if i would be a failure as a parent to not do so. I tell them they are late solstice gifts. I still feel like a failure.

Here we go. about 12 days since my mother's death day, cannot call it an anniversary because that feels like it should be a celebrated occasion. it sucks. 22 years this shit has sucked ass the whole time.  I dwell on that: my mother is dead. but sadly i only remember to think about it on it in June and October. Birth Month; Death Month.

Don't get me wrong, i think about her every single day of my life. But my walls crumble in June and October. 

I hurt so bad and i feel like a hypocrite because the majority of my life i spend telling folks that they need to get over shit. I cannot get over mine. 

I NEED TO STOP BEING SAD. 

sad about her. sad that i cannot deal with it. at all, inside.

Inside i am angry, hurt, a broken shell. 

I want to grab someone and shake them and ask  why they aren't sad. but; instead i go about my life being sad. seeing my children's lives progress and being hurt that my mother cannot see the things they do. She never saw any of her grandchildren. 

I want an outlet like music gave me when i was a teenager or in my 20s. I NEED something. crocheting isn't doing it because i always have a kid expecting something, a new project. Clearly writing is not my forte, and i can only do it after the kids are asleep and usually, unless drinking, is my bed time too.... or, like this evening, i am drunk and being all woe is me.

Yup drunk rambling. but oooooh. no meds for years (unless you count booze)

maybe sad is the wrong word. maybe i am just angry. if that is the case and i am angry then that means that i really am just sad (anger is a secondary emotion)  and FUCK OCTOBER AND THE CONSTANT REMINDER OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!

listening to #thePixies, #PIL and #SlothRust. not that that changes or fixes anything.

I'm starting to not feel like myself again... if i even know what that feels like in the first place.

Still crazy

Yes is m still crazy but not as bad, I hope. I have been working now for over three years and that was a struggle in of itself. Who the hell knew people in an office would be so touchy feely? Get away from me you crazies! Just kidding. I got over that or at least I pretend I have.

not as crazy as i thought

Well, after a dr visit and a boost on my mg of anti-depressants, and some emergency klonopin i am relieved that i can say that i don't think people can read what is going on in my head and i don't think there are hidden cameras everywhere!! that makes me happy.
I still hate being touched, especially by strangers but not so much by my own family anymore.
General anxiety is down. Had some juice earlier and feel like today will be productive!, I guess we will see about that.

Yummy Juice

So now after how many months of self loathing/ hating I have started anew. It is going quite well so far, i must say. Since the 5th i have been juicing (and no i don't mean steroids). I got a juicer for christmas and decided to go for it.
Of course i was a little worried about failing as i always do at theese sort of things but i haven't yet. I get up have some juice with some dates and oatmeal and juice with a small lucnh juice for snack juice with a lite dinner! I am always full. The person i spoke to about this said to drink juice six times a day with 3 small small meals and snack on nuts and veggies all day.
No can do. I'm way too full as it is! Thank god!!!!
I haven't eaten any CRAPPY food (as in bad for me and my weight) since the 5th