Don't get me wrong, i think about her every single day of my life. But my walls crumble in June and October.
I hurt so bad and i feel like a hypocrite because the majority of my life i spend telling folks that they need to get over shit. I cannot get over mine.
I NEED TO STOP BEING SAD.
sad about her. sad that i cannot deal with it. at all, inside.
Inside i am angry, hurt, a broken shell.
I want to grab someone and shake them and ask why they aren't sad. but; instead i go about my life being sad. seeing my children's lives progress and being hurt that my mother cannot see the things they do. She never saw any of her grandchildren.
I want an outlet like music gave me when i was a teenager or in my 20s. I NEED something. crocheting isn't doing it because i always have a kid expecting something, a new project. Clearly writing is not my forte, and i can only do it after the kids are asleep and usually, unless drinking, is my bed time too.... or, like this evening, i am drunk and being all woe is me.
Yup drunk rambling. but oooooh. no meds for years (unless you count booze)
maybe sad is the wrong word. maybe i am just angry. if that is the case and i am angry then that means that i really am just sad (anger is a secondary emotion) and FUCK OCTOBER AND THE CONSTANT REMINDER OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!
listening to #thePixies, #PIL and #SlothRust. not that that changes or fixes anything.
I'm starting to not feel like myself again... if i even know what that feels like in the first place.