Still crazy

Yes is m still crazy but not as bad, I hope. I have been working now for over three years and that was a struggle in of itself. Who the hell knew people in an office would be so touchy feely? Get away from me you crazies! Just kidding. I got over that or at least I pretend I have.

not as crazy as i thought

Well, after a dr visit and a boost on my mg of anti-depressants, and some emergency klonopin i am relieved that i can say that i don't think people can read what is going on in my head and i don't think there are hidden cameras everywhere!! that makes me happy.
I still hate being touched, especially by strangers but not so much by my own family anymore.
General anxiety is down. Had some juice earlier and feel like today will be productive!, I guess we will see about that.

Yummy Juice

So now after how many months of self loathing/ hating I have started anew. It is going quite well so far, i must say. Since the 5th i have been juicing (and no i don't mean steroids). I got a juicer for christmas and decided to go for it.
Of course i was a little worried about failing as i always do at theese sort of things but i haven't yet. I get up have some juice with some dates and oatmeal and juice with a small lucnh juice for snack juice with a lite dinner! I am always full. The person i spoke to about this said to drink juice six times a day with 3 small small meals and snack on nuts and veggies all day.
No can do. I'm way too full as it is! Thank god!!!!
I haven't eaten any CRAPPY food (as in bad for me and my weight) since the 5th

sometimes i really want to kick myself

I'm fat. I wish I wasn't.
I'm a procrastinator. I wish I wasn't
These things are not a good combination. Perhaps i am unmotivated. no i am unmotivated. I convince myself i am unmotivated. Therefore, i become unmotivated.
I get all jazzed about getting fit and working out and eating right and everything is great for a little while and i mean very little while sometimes a few hours!
I am addicted to food. No joke. I replased drinking, drugs and smoking with food. It's sad. i even lie about how much food i have eaten.
i'm a food Junkie.
yes i said junkie! I'll eat, wait till my boyfriend leaves for work then stuff my face till i feel like i'm gonna explode. then i feel guilty, and take a nap with the baby. The`n at night after he gets home i'll say oh i'm hungry i have'nt eaten a lot today. just so i won't look like a complete pig in front of him. Or is it to convince myself it's ok to be eating a second dinner?
I feel disgusting.
It's like when a heroin addict will do all of their dope even their wake up because they convince themselves that they are going to be fine even if they have no money and no way of getting any to get well in the morning. I'm sure if i could i would eat all the food in the house and worry about what i'M gonna eat tommorow tommorow!
i am a pig!
And yes i am writting this because today again, another failed attempt to get in shape!
I'll try again tomorrow and probably fail again!
God i sound like i am 400 lbs sitting on my ass all day! i'm 168 and walk like 4 miles a day! i just can't stop eating! YUCK!

getting worse

So due to my rediculous procrastination, which is probably from fear of feeling even more crazy than i alredy do, i forgot to tell eric about my psych appointment and had to reschedule. Now i'm gonna be feeling crazy till the end of August. Crap!
Not to mention, things are getting worse in the mental department.
Getting more paranoid, especially with the new house. strangely it's not really just about being watched but about people breaking in and people stealing the car. Who knows. The baby is awake so i'm done

rambling about happy

Everyone knows having kids is hectic because it is. I love my children so much and wouldn't dream of life without them. Unfourtunetly, things get in the way of truly being happy.
I guess i am happy in a sense. I have my children, they make me happy, seeing them do new things everyday makes me proud. But, i find myself having to fake it more often, force being excited about the things that they do or the fact that i am at home with them all day.
I know i said i wanted to be able to be a stay at home mom but that is when i thought there would be more emotional support or even just an extra hand to do the dishes without complaining about it.
I feel like i need time for myself (more than the hour i have to write this and then go clean the bathroom while the baby sleeps).I need contact, conversation with other adults that aren't snooty parents, that aren't people from the center, that aren't the checker at the grocery store. Not even a day just a few hours to go get a cup of coffee, or go to the library, I'd be happy just riding the bus. As long as i didn't have the kids and i could tune everyone out! But, who am i kidding i would end up feeling guilty about leaving the kids to do something for me. And would just add to the unhappiness i already feel. hell, i feel guilty just writting about doing things without them.
I'm starting to just be plain angry about everything. If only i could tell my boyfriend what's going on without yelling at him because part of me blames HIM for me feeling this way but,that's a whole other subject.
At least i go to the psychiatrist next week so i can get back on meds so i won't feel as bad, i hope. I just feel stuck in a catch 22. Walk around wanting to cry because i'm sick of having to do this all the time tierd of the guilt tierd of everything (and then of course i feel guily that i am not able to deal with it)
Maybe i should have named this blog unhappy mother.