Again, feel like a lost puppy. I don't celebrate "holidays" we have never done traditional thanksgiving nor traditional christmas.  I never remember believing in Santa, all my years as a young child were spent this time of year catering to others. Not a bad thing, just skewed my belief in Santa, and the whole christmas is  a magical time, deal.
I have told my children there is no santa, this holiday is a joke, yet every year i feel compelled to get them gifts.  As if i would be a failure as a parent to not do so. I tell them they are late solstice gifts. I still feel like a failure.

Here we go. about 12 days since my mother's death day, cannot call it an anniversary because that feels like it should be a celebrated occasion. it sucks. 22 years this shit has sucked ass the whole time.  I dwell on that: my mother is dead. but sadly i only remember to think about it on it in June and October. Birth Month; Death Month.

Don't get me wrong, i think about her every single day of my life. But my walls crumble in June and October. 

I hurt so bad and i feel like a hypocrite because the majority of my life i spend telling folks that they need to get over shit. I cannot get over mine. 

I NEED TO STOP BEING SAD. 

sad about her. sad that i cannot deal with it. at all, inside.

Inside i am angry, hurt, a broken shell. 

I want to grab someone and shake them and ask  why they aren't sad. but; instead i go about my life being sad. seeing my children's lives progress and being hurt that my mother cannot see the things they do. She never saw any of her grandchildren. 

I want an outlet like music gave me when i was a teenager or in my 20s. I NEED something. crocheting isn't doing it because i always have a kid expecting something, a new project. Clearly writing is not my forte, and i can only do it after the kids are asleep and usually, unless drinking, is my bed time too.... or, like this evening, i am drunk and being all woe is me.

Yup drunk rambling. but oooooh. no meds for years (unless you count booze)

maybe sad is the wrong word. maybe i am just angry. if that is the case and i am angry then that means that i really am just sad (anger is a secondary emotion)  and FUCK OCTOBER AND THE CONSTANT REMINDER OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!

listening to #thePixies, #PIL and #SlothRust. not that that changes or fixes anything.

I'm starting to not feel like myself again... if i even know what that feels like in the first place.

Still crazy

Yes is m still crazy but not as bad, I hope. I have been working now for over three years and that was a struggle in of itself. Who the hell knew people in an office would be so touchy feely? Get away from me you crazies! Just kidding. I got over that or at least I pretend I have.

not as crazy as i thought

Well, after a dr visit and a boost on my mg of anti-depressants, and some emergency klonopin i am relieved that i can say that i don't think people can read what is going on in my head and i don't think there are hidden cameras everywhere!! that makes me happy.
I still hate being touched, especially by strangers but not so much by my own family anymore.
General anxiety is down. Had some juice earlier and feel like today will be productive!, I guess we will see about that.

Yummy Juice

So now after how many months of self loathing/ hating I have started anew. It is going quite well so far, i must say. Since the 5th i have been juicing (and no i don't mean steroids). I got a juicer for christmas and decided to go for it.
Of course i was a little worried about failing as i always do at theese sort of things but i haven't yet. I get up have some juice with some dates and oatmeal and juice with a small lucnh juice for snack juice with a lite dinner! I am always full. The person i spoke to about this said to drink juice six times a day with 3 small small meals and snack on nuts and veggies all day.
No can do. I'm way too full as it is! Thank god!!!!
I haven't eaten any CRAPPY food (as in bad for me and my weight) since the 5th

sometimes i really want to kick myself

I'm fat. I wish I wasn't.
I'm a procrastinator. I wish I wasn't
These things are not a good combination. Perhaps i am unmotivated. no i am unmotivated. I convince myself i am unmotivated. Therefore, i become unmotivated.
I get all jazzed about getting fit and working out and eating right and everything is great for a little while and i mean very little while sometimes a few hours!
I am addicted to food. No joke. I replased drinking, drugs and smoking with food. It's sad. i even lie about how much food i have eaten.
i'm a food Junkie.
yes i said junkie! I'll eat, wait till my boyfriend leaves for work then stuff my face till i feel like i'm gonna explode. then i feel guilty, and take a nap with the baby. The`n at night after he gets home i'll say oh i'm hungry i have'nt eaten a lot today. just so i won't look like a complete pig in front of him. Or is it to convince myself it's ok to be eating a second dinner?
I feel disgusting.
It's like when a heroin addict will do all of their dope even their wake up because they convince themselves that they are going to be fine even if they have no money and no way of getting any to get well in the morning. I'm sure if i could i would eat all the food in the house and worry about what i'M gonna eat tommorow tommorow!
i am a pig!
And yes i am writting this because today again, another failed attempt to get in shape!
I'll try again tomorrow and probably fail again!
God i sound like i am 400 lbs sitting on my ass all day! i'm 168 and walk like 4 miles a day! i just can't stop eating! YUCK!

getting worse

So due to my rediculous procrastination, which is probably from fear of feeling even more crazy than i alredy do, i forgot to tell eric about my psych appointment and had to reschedule. Now i'm gonna be feeling crazy till the end of August. Crap!
Not to mention, things are getting worse in the mental department.
Getting more paranoid, especially with the new house. strangely it's not really just about being watched but about people breaking in and people stealing the car. Who knows. The baby is awake so i'm done