So due to my rediculous procrastination, which is probably from fear of feeling even more crazy than i alredy do, i forgot to tell eric about my psych appointment and had to reschedule. Now i'm gonna be feeling crazy till the end of August. Crap!
Not to mention, things are getting worse in the mental department.
Getting more paranoid, especially with the new house. strangely it's not really just about being watched but about people breaking in and people stealing the car. Who knows. The baby is awake so i'm done
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
rambling about happy
Everyone knows having kids is hectic because it is. I love my children so much and wouldn't dream of life without them. Unfourtunetly, things get in the way of truly being happy.
I guess i am happy in a sense. I have my children, they make me happy, seeing them do new things everyday makes me proud. But, i find myself having to fake it more often, force being excited about the things that they do or the fact that i am at home with them all day.
I know i said i wanted to be able to be a stay at home mom but that is when i thought there would be more emotional support or even just an extra hand to do the dishes without complaining about it.
I feel like i need time for myself (more than the hour i have to write this and then go clean the bathroom while the baby sleeps).I need contact, conversation with other adults that aren't snooty parents, that aren't people from the center, that aren't the checker at the grocery store. Not even a day just a few hours to go get a cup of coffee, or go to the library, I'd be happy just riding the bus. As long as i didn't have the kids and i could tune everyone out! But, who am i kidding i would end up feeling guilty about leaving the kids to do something for me. And would just add to the unhappiness i already feel. hell, i feel guilty just writting about doing things without them.
I'm starting to just be plain angry about everything. If only i could tell my boyfriend what's going on without yelling at him because part of me blames HIM for me feeling this way but,that's a whole other subject.
At least i go to the psychiatrist next week so i can get back on meds so i won't feel as bad, i hope. I just feel stuck in a catch 22. Walk around wanting to cry because i'm sick of having to do this all the time tierd of the guilt tierd of everything (and then of course i feel guily that i am not able to deal with it)
Maybe i should have named this blog unhappy mother.
I guess i am happy in a sense. I have my children, they make me happy, seeing them do new things everyday makes me proud. But, i find myself having to fake it more often, force being excited about the things that they do or the fact that i am at home with them all day.
I know i said i wanted to be able to be a stay at home mom but that is when i thought there would be more emotional support or even just an extra hand to do the dishes without complaining about it.
I feel like i need time for myself (more than the hour i have to write this and then go clean the bathroom while the baby sleeps).I need contact, conversation with other adults that aren't snooty parents, that aren't people from the center, that aren't the checker at the grocery store. Not even a day just a few hours to go get a cup of coffee, or go to the library, I'd be happy just riding the bus. As long as i didn't have the kids and i could tune everyone out! But, who am i kidding i would end up feeling guilty about leaving the kids to do something for me. And would just add to the unhappiness i already feel. hell, i feel guilty just writting about doing things without them.
I'm starting to just be plain angry about everything. If only i could tell my boyfriend what's going on without yelling at him because part of me blames HIM for me feeling this way but,that's a whole other subject.
At least i go to the psychiatrist next week so i can get back on meds so i won't feel as bad, i hope. I just feel stuck in a catch 22. Walk around wanting to cry because i'm sick of having to do this all the time tierd of the guilt tierd of everything (and then of course i feel guily that i am not able to deal with it)
Maybe i should have named this blog unhappy mother.
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