sometimes i really want to kick myself

I'm fat. I wish I wasn't.
I'm a procrastinator. I wish I wasn't
These things are not a good combination. Perhaps i am unmotivated. no i am unmotivated. I convince myself i am unmotivated. Therefore, i become unmotivated.
I get all jazzed about getting fit and working out and eating right and everything is great for a little while and i mean very little while sometimes a few hours!
I am addicted to food. No joke. I replased drinking, drugs and smoking with food. It's sad. i even lie about how much food i have eaten.
i'm a food Junkie.
yes i said junkie! I'll eat, wait till my boyfriend leaves for work then stuff my face till i feel like i'm gonna explode. then i feel guilty, and take a nap with the baby. The`n at night after he gets home i'll say oh i'm hungry i have'nt eaten a lot today. just so i won't look like a complete pig in front of him. Or is it to convince myself it's ok to be eating a second dinner?
I feel disgusting.
It's like when a heroin addict will do all of their dope even their wake up because they convince themselves that they are going to be fine even if they have no money and no way of getting any to get well in the morning. I'm sure if i could i would eat all the food in the house and worry about what i'M gonna eat tommorow tommorow!
i am a pig!
And yes i am writting this because today again, another failed attempt to get in shape!
I'll try again tomorrow and probably fail again!
God i sound like i am 400 lbs sitting on my ass all day! i'm 168 and walk like 4 miles a day! i just can't stop eating! YUCK!